WHAT IF?

Saturday, July 12

We were now a week from when the bruising really started.  Jake's numbers were higher, not in the clear at all, but higher.  We felt 'okay' about what had gone on the past week.  It was such a whirlwind that I never had time to sit and process the emotions and the roller coaster that we had been on.  So Saturday it all hit me.  I had had little cries here and there, never lasted long, and honestly probably got more upset at those two poor children in the hospital and hearing what they were going through.  I sat at home and watched Jake.  He had minimal bruising....just what you would expect a four year old boy to have.  He was running and playing with his friends and his brother.  He had even started fighting with Jaden again.  So I sat there and tried to wrap my brain around what all had gone on the past week and why it appeared nothing was wrong with him, yet it was so serious.  

Then the 'what if' questions started popping in to my head, or the most horrible, possible situation that could have happened.  We try not to think this way and always tell our friends, 'oh that won't happen!' but we still think about it.  And with it being MY son, MY baby, MY snuggle bunny, it was hard to process.  Seeing him run and play made it better because I knew those things weren't going to happen or had not yet at least, but I'll admit I went through those thoughts.  

1.  What if he would have hit his head while on the roller coaster the Saturday before while we were in Austin?  Would that have caused severe bleeding on the brain?  Would he never be the same again?

2.  What if he would have fallen at the park the day we were waiting for the results?  He was on a scooter and bike the whole morning.

3.  What if we would have been in a car accident on the way to the hospital?  Or while in Austin the weekend before?  Would I still have my baby today? 

After talking with the doctors in the ER and realizing how low his platelet count was I couldn't help but think of these things....
These are just some of the things I thought about.  It was awful and I just cried.  I didn't want to think about them but as a human I did.  The thoughts didn't last long and I quickly thanked God for giving me the 'feeling' like something was wrong and contacting the doctor to begin with. How severe could this have been if I didn't act on my feelings?  I told God, "I know you are in control.  I know you know the outcome of this.  I know you will get me, John, Jaden, Jake and all our family through this." But the selfish part of me was still asking why.  Why my baby?  Why Jake?  Why our family?  Again, I know we should not question God but when you are put in a situation like this, it is hard not to.  I think it is part of the healing process to just ask God why and get it out of your system.  

So I sat out back and cried, and cried and cried.  And I didn't know if I was sad or mad or relieved or alone but I cried.  And I'm not a big crier but once I started, I just let myself cry and didn't try to stop it.  When I was done I don't think I could have cried anymore if I wanted to.  It felt good.  I felt my emotions were out of my system, I dealt with it, prayed about it and I felt good.